A week ago, I had to fill out some intensive paperwork about my previous pregnancies (6), my miscarriages (2), and my living children (3). As I was filling everything out from their weights, deaths, births, and complications I was reminded just how precious every new life is, even the ones that are shortened way sooner than we’d like.
As our sweet fourth son grows and moves around his mommy haven, the past couple of weeks have been a time of trusting in God’s plan for his life and our’s. We were told through our genetic screening that some red flags were raised with my AFP levels, and that there was a possibility that our son could have Spina Befida, brain abnormalities, and other organ problems. I wish I could say that anxiety and fear was not an issue, however having gotten the news with Reson being out of town for the weekend, that day/night was a full blown pouring out with just God and me. Him meeting me where I was at crying out to Him. A God that loves us so much that He meets us right where we are. Grace.
It wasn’t a lack of faith in His plan for our son. It was more of a mourning period of what I had envisioned for him and his life. The next day crying only happened wishing Reson was home so I could just hug someone. It was a weekend where you wish your mom and best friends didn’t live seven hours away. Each of them texting me and loving me through my fleshly thoughts. My boys had no idea what was going on just that mom was a hot mess, dad was away for work, and they were on their best behavior. Grace.
After two weeks of waiting, two weeks of our prayers being to accept His will, two weeks of me sharing with my Father my desires and praying they match His, we had our level 2 ultrasound this morning. It took over an hour to get footage of every part of his body. We sat watching in silence seeing him swat at whatever was probing into his haven. He flipped showing us that he indeed was a boy. Some moments I missed as I had to turn away from the screen so that we could see him in a better angle. It was interesting watching Reson as she spent minutes over his brain, kidneys, and many times him turning away. He showed the Holt/Calves stubbornness that each of our other three have. Grace.
Each time he turned away from the area she was looking for, her pressure would intensify. It was uncomfortable, and I thought, “What things I’m willing to do you for you already little man.” I think one of my favorite things about sitting in the silence watching my husband, the tech (aka “Poker Face”), and our son was seeing our boy alive, and watching his four chambered heart pump. I can’t read ultrasounds, but seeing him play with his hands and mouth, kicking me to get away from the probe, and just seeing his movements I was just blown away with his life. It didn’t matter what came out it. He is alive, all 9oz of him. Grace.
Reson asked me weeks ago what I thought about in naming him, Benjamin Daniel. I liked it, but no decisions had been made. However, as today was approaching and I looked at Benjamin in more depth being, “son of my right hand” the right being a symbol of strength and power. He was the final son of Jacob and Rachel. Daniel meaning “God is my Judge.” I couldn’t see him being named anything else. You see, before we found out we were pregnant, God told me very sternly that I would not be going to Peru with our church this year in November. When I shared it with Reson, he was in shock because he knew that was not coming from my will, but God’s. I have been in complete peace over that decision since I made it. I couldn’t understand why, and then a month later we found out we were pregnant. Grace.
We know that Benjamin has no birth defects after our ultrasound, however still due to my elevated AFP levels we have risks of preeclampsia, low birth weight, and stillbirth. I will be seeing my regular doctors in a couple of weeks to see what precautions and measures we will be taking with these possible risks. I still have a peace that this little guy is in great Hands. His Father has hand crafted him. Though my flesh may shed tears for unknowns, I stand reassured that he is far greater loved by His Creator, and “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Grace.
So, if you made it this far, I’m asking for your prayers. Specifically, my prayer desire that I pray is in line with His:
⁃ Benjamin – that he will grow as he is suppose to, and that he will be a healthy strong boy at the time of his birth.
⁃ Luk, Logan, & Brody – that they are understanding to whatever our schedules need to be for check-ups, and for understanding if risks occur.
⁃ Reson – that he remain focused on God’s truth so that he can continue to be the supportive husband and daddy that he is, giving us the advice we need because of His truths.
⁃ All of us (boys, us, family) – peace. Through it all, that our eyes will be set on His and that peace covers each of us.